Swampwater Debutante

I’ve actually been journaling since July 3rd, 2000. However, it took me several years to find my voice as an online diarist, and what would have read in the beginning is nothing like I am now.

Besides, who reads five years worth of archives, anyway? I promise you, they’re boring. And thanks to a ridiculous lapse in memory of mine, well, when I forgot to pay a hosting bill on an old domain, they went poof. I was startled, but ultimately unruffled.

I began my foray into online journalling when I was 23. I was living with my boyfriend of nearly two years, JD, but I wanted to live alone some more, so I was a few days from moving into my own apartment, where I would live for just over a year.

In 2001, I decided to move to Wisconsin. I had lived there once before with an ex – Dave – with whom I got along not really much at all, and I wanted to live there on my own terms. I spent nine months there, until June of 2002. I lived with my friend Clio and her friend Harold, who I called Murray here. Murray and I got along even less than Dave and I did, as we were complete opposites in most of the fundamental ways. This was hilarious, but very difficult as well.

Just before I left Wisconsin, I made peace with Dave, achieved closure, and that was the last time I spoke to him. I don’t know what he’s doing nowadays, and while I wonder about it sometimes, I don’t much care. I hope he’s well, and that’s about all I can say.

I moved back to San Antonio, where I would get a nice two bedroom apartment with JD. Almost exactly two years later, he’d realize that while I cared a great deal about him, while I was grateful that he helped me get out of Wisconsin – and an emotionally untenable situation – in 1998, I did not love him, and he could no longer live with that. So he split up with me.

The shock just about unhinged me. I didn’t know what to do. I went home to Westlake for a while. Started learning how to live without him – essentially, learning how to live, period, as my own person. Ever since I had left home at twenty, I had been with someone. Now I was getting to know the adult me.

In November of 2004, I moved to Fort Worth, TX on the suggestion of Sanford, my best friend and former paramour from college. I moved in with Maggie, Bandit, and Teensy; I’d known Maggie for many years, but hadn’t met face to face until I moved in with her. I will always adore her not just for being awesome but for helping me get on my feet.

As for Sanford and I, we attempted dating for a couple of months. This was a mistake – both of us had just gotten out of long term relationships and were not nearly ready to date again. Plus, as a couple, we were crap. Absolute crap. I once coined the term “conversation vortex” for those times when we’d be hanging out together in absolute silence. This happened a lot. I mean…gah.

So that brings us to January 1st, 2005. Sanford and I spent a rather indifferent New Year’s Eve together – he didn’t even kiss me at midnight. 24 hours later he dumped me (over AIM. can you EVEN believe. and I STILL keep him around – that is deep platonic affection right there), and six days or so after that, he introduced me to a guy I called Jeffrey here (and I STILL keep Sanford around yes I do).

Jeffrey and I had a turbulent relationship. It ended several times, most recently very, very, very nastily badly due to some bad choices on his part. We’re talking a relationship that has by now driven us both into therapy. Which to be fair, really, we both needed anyway. At any rate.

I’ve begun reading about Buddhism and spirituality and I was getting really tired of being upset and angry and so negative all the time. Right about that time (three months after I legitimately lost my temper, called him all sorts of names, and threw him out of my life) he texted me on his birthday to let me know one more time that he was really sorry, and that he had to live with the hurt of losing me every day and that it was terribly painful.

He had tried to tell me before. I hadn’t been open to it, for damn good reason. But now – half a world away, fully cognizant of the effect the negativity was having on my life, and just plain tired, I was ready to listen.

We were back on speaking terms for a while, which went all right. But in the end we have no place for each other in our lives. I’m better off without him being a part of my life, which is only sad and painful because at one time I felt like I was better with him as an active part of it. I think his life was better because I was part of it, too, for a while.

But he went and screwed that all up long ago, and nothing was the same afterward, so this is going to fade gently into the night and apart from the disappointment he’s caused me, I am okay with that.

One day I will get past the anger and disgust I feel at his complete and utter waste of a very awesome thing.

I wish him the best. I just also wish better for me, because I completely deserve it, especially after that. And so that is where I am, now – there’s nowhere to go but up, as they say.